Jim Kerr

Freelance Writer

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From Writers Magazine dated February 2005

Getting the basics right by Jim Kerr

What is a "TV Comedy quickie"?
Ask a dozen writers and you'll probably get twelve different answers. I keep things simple and define a "TV comedy quickie" as something written in double spacing on one side of a piece of A4 paper. If it's longer than that, its a sketch. And when a quickie you've written appears on that television screen you get paid £100 or more. Interested? Read on.

There are no rules for writing television comedy quickies EXCEPT rules on presentation. There is a myth - still put about - that stuff written in pencil on lavatory paper can make it to the screen if it's good. That's an old wives' tale. The exception might for a writer with a proven track record. I spoke to David Renwick some years ago on this point. Once while he was writing to a deadline as a commissioned writer he just couldn't get a handle on a last television sketch, and at 5am - after working through the night - he took a sketch he'd ripped up earlier, taped it together and submitted it like that. (This was the famous mastermind sketch on The two Ronnies). So, until you make it big and can break the rules like David, latch on to what follows.

The most common mistake new writers of comedy quickies make is to forget to put name and contact details on every page. This is a must even when sending quickies as an e-mail enclosure. One television comedy show ended up with more than 100 comedy quickies they were interested in using, but which had no contact names/address details or even 'proper' titles on them. Believe me this is a big, big problem in all types of writing. Titles? again very important. Every quickie must bear a distinctive title. Why? In this business you deal with Internation markets. I've been telephoned by a foreign television producer (whose English was not so good) out of the blue saying that he liked a particular quickie but wanted me to change it slightly. But I had sent him 50 quickies. So the only way I could get him to identify which one he was referring to was quote it's title: Otherwise chaos would have ensued (I am sure you can picture how the phone conversation would go without a title to refer to: 'No, no eet vas der wun mit die stick of - how you say - sillery un der blonde wo say wie geht's') and I would have lost a sale.

Notice I said 'Picture' a phone conversation. Because another must in this game is for you to keep your quickies visual. Yes, to state the obvious again - television is a visual means of communication. Yet one of the main complaints from television comedy sketch show producers is that writers keep sending them non-visual quickies. If you can't make it visual - it's for radio.

In a previous existence I produced videos. A seemingly little known fact is that shooting scenes in outside locations (Called exteriors) costs a lot of money. That's why so many sketch shows, particulary new shows, have mostly interior locations - it's cheaper. Yep, as usual, everything comes down to money. So, a television comedy show requiring quickies should have a budget, actors lined up, interior (and, perhaps, exterior) locations all sorted out. And a cut-off date for material. And be able to inform you of all this in advance. You'll be lucky ! Time after time I get market information on a new comedy television show giving none of this information. Do you see the problem? If it's an all women show - there's no point sending in quickies featuring men. Or in sending in quickies set in Hyde Park if they aren't doing exterior locations. But if they don't tell you what they want then how do you know? The answer is to ring up and ask. Obvious as this might sound you would be suprised at how many embryonic are overawed at the prospect of actually phoning a television producer. So, what are these Gods we call producers like? Well, strictly entre nous, most of them are quite nice really.

The seven basic rules of writing 'TV comedy quickies'

        1. Interior or exterior
        2. The scene (e.g. Bedroom, city street or where ever)
        3. Day or night.
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From Writers Magazine dated March 2005

The woe and the wonder by Jim Kerr

Every time I give a talk or a class on writing comedy quickies for television I get a gaggle of people coming up to me in the coffee break to say who or what they like or dislike in television comedy. Such views are irrelevant. Non commissioned comedy writers write for anyone who will pay them; they ammend their techniques to accord with the style of the show they intend writing for; and accept the fact that most of what they write will be rejected. Alas, the non commissioned cannot afford to have egos.

Here are some of the heartbreaks - The woes that can happen:

Perhaps the acting wasn't up to scratch or whatever - but they always shoot more material than they need anyway.
All the above have happened to me. I was even invited out to lunch by one producer because he thought the idea behind a series of quickies I had written for the star of a new show was so good. Unfortunately, as I subsequently found out, the star of the show didn't like them and my idea was discarded.

Ah. But then there's the wonder of seeing your quickie on television and watching your name appear in the credits of the show. Here are seven techniques to help you along (without artificial stimulants of any kind!). By the way it's essential for you to laugh at what you write - If you don't, nobody else will.

  1. Use Reversals
    This is where things are not what they seem. Example: Closeup on an actor holding a skull who is auditioning for the lead in Hamlet. He starts in on: 'Alas poor Yorick'..... when the producer says: 'Thank you. Next!'
    The dissapointed actor turns away to a table full of skulls - puts the skull down and picks up another one. He goes back to where he was and starts in on: 'Alas poor Yorick'..... again. Yes, you've got it, it's the skulls that is being auditioned. I sold this one to Russ Abbot.
  2. Use Exageration
    This is where things just get worse and worse. Example: A man goes to a cashpoint to get some money. The cashpoint swallows his card, sucks the wig off his head and swallows it, sucks the buttons off his jacket and, finally swallows his wallet: then the machine burps. I thought this one up today.
  3. Use the Absurdities of Life
    Recently I was queuing up inside my local post office. One woman being served had her back to me. Young, tall, long fair hair, pale blue jeans, a skimpy white top and a purple hot water bottle stuck down the back of her jeans. Now, as Frank Zappa used to say, there's gotta be an album in that! keep your eyes open the world is full of stuff like this you can use.
  4. Try the Dictionary Technique
    I once bought Barry Cryer a pint (Ah, how his eyes misted over when I mentioned Hello Cheeky) and asked him what he did when he was working to a deadline and had come up dry with funny ideas. He said he would open a dictionary at random in five or six places, write down the first word he saw each time and then use them to form the basis of a quickies or sketch. Try it - it works.
  5. Try the Sentence Shifting
    Another method of creating quickies is to write down a sentence that makes complete logical sense (e.g. A man walks into a shop to buy a paper) and then changing the words one at a time to make it absurd. Unlike drama, common sense is not a prerequesite when writing comedy. (And, anyway, it used to be common sense to say the world was flat). Lots of professional writers use this technique.
  6. Try Starting at the End
    Some comedy writers say that the tag (punchline) is everything and that it is sometimes easier to think of the tag first and then write backwards to the beginning of the quickie. Try it and see.
  7. What happens next?
    Sit down and think up some unlikely scenarios. Such as:

    The best advice I was ever given on writing comedy for television is never give up. You've got the spark of talent inside, or you wouldn't be reading this. Work with it and remember that new ideas - your ideas - are the life blood of comedy. So go ahead - make us laugh.

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    HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF COMEDY SKETCHES I HAVE SOLD

    I sold this one to Russ Abbot - the producers said that it was one of his favourite sketches.

    ALAS POOR YORICK

    INTERIOR                 ON STAGE IN A THEATRE                  NIGHT

    THERE IS AN AUDITION IN PROGRESS FOR A NEW VERSION OF HAMLET AT A WEST END THEATRE. THE CAMERA HAS RUSS IN CLOSEUP ON STAGE WITH A SPOTLIGHT ON HIM AS HAMLET - ATTEMPTING THE "YORICK" SCENE.

    HE IS HOLDING A SKULL IN HIS LEFT HAND.

    RUSS     Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio;
                   A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy;
                   He hath ......

    VOICE OFF STAGE      (IRRITABLE) Thank you! No good. Next!!!

    RUSS LOOKS FED UP. CAMERA PULLS BACK AND SPOTLIGHT MOVES TO REVEAL PERHAPS TWENTY SKULLS LYING ON THE SIDE OF THE STAGE. RUSS PUTS DOWN THE SKULL HE WAS USING - PICKS UP ANOTHER - AND GOES BACK TO HIS MARKS ON STAGE. HE PREPARES TO START AGAIN.


    VOICE OFF STAGE      (STILL IRRITABLE) Let's see if this skull looks authentic in the scene.

    RUSS      Alas, poor Yorick I knew him, Horatio ......


    ENDS

    Your name & address details here

    Tel (your phone number)  Fax (your fax number)  E-mail (mail@yourdomain.co.uk)

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    I sold this one to Belgian TV - "The Jacques Vermeire Show"

    DEAD SAD

    EXTERIOR                  A GRAVEYARD                  DAY

    A WOMAN IS IN A CEMETERY PUTTING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS ON A GRAVE. AS SHE STRAIGHTENS UP SHE HEARS THE SOUND OF SOMEONE CRYING. SHE TURNS AND SEES A MAN KNEELING BY ONE OF THE NEARBY GRAVES SOBBING BITTERLY AND TALKING TO THE GRAVESTONE.

    MAN      Oh, why - why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?

    THE WOMAN GOES UP TO THE MAN AND PUTS HER HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.

    WOMAN      (WITH COMPASSION) Was she your wife?

    MAN      (BEWILDERED) Eh?

    WOMAN      Are you .. are you crying for your poor .. er .. departed wife?

    MAN      Oh no, no. This is the grave of my wife's first husband.

    WOMAN IS PUZZLED.

    MAN      (CLUTCHING GRAVESTONE) Oh why did you have to die? Why ... Why?


    ENDS

    Your name & address details here

    Tel (your phone number)  Fax (your fax number)  E-mail (mail@yourdomain.co.uk)

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    Freddie Starr bought this one and performed it brilliantly with a foreign accent (and a large moustache).

    REAL ARTY

    INTERIOR                  ART GALLERY                  DAY

    FOCUS ON A SIGN SAYING "FREDERICK GEMMEL ART EXHIBITION". CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL PAINTINGS ON THE WALLS OF THE GALLERY WITH EXPENSION PRICE TAGS ON THEM.

    A RICHLY DRESSED WOMAN IS SHAKING HANDS WITH THE ARTIST (FREDDIE), WHO HAS HIS ASSISTANT - A YOUNG GIRL - BESIDE HIM.

    WOMAN      Mr Gemmel. How nice to see you again. And this (INDICATING GIRL) is ???

    WOMAN      (SMILING) Of course [SHE NODS TO PENNYWORTH]. Mr Gemmel, I love your pictures so very much. Tell me - will they appreciate in value after you are dead?

    FREDDIE      Well .. Yes - that's what the experts tell me

    WOMAN      (TAKING OUT A CHEQUE BOOK) In that case I'll take the lot.
    FREDDIE LOOKS WORRIED. AS SHE WRITES THE CHEQUE. MISS PENNYWORTH SPEAKS TO HIM OUT OF THE WOMAN'S HEARING

    PENNYWORTH      Hey Freddie. Congratulations on selling all your paintings. But why are you looking so miserable?

    FREDDIE      It's because she asked if my paintings would appreciate in value after I die.

    PENNYWORTH      But that's a fair question. And when you said 'yes' she bought the lot. Where's the problem?

    FREDDIE      The problem? That woman is my doctor!




    ENDS

    Your name & address details here

    Tel (your phone number)  Fax (your fax number)  E-mail (mail@yourdomain.co.uk)

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